Everybody loves Alice in Wonderland. It’s got fantasy, mind-altering substances, and Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in the 2010 screen adaptation. In the months before Doc Johnson premiered its Wonderland toys, I spent many a moment admiring their bright and creative ads in trade magazines, trying to decide which I’d take home.
I started with The Pleasurepillar, because it looked the craziest. In Wonderland, the Pleasurepillar was probably voted most likely to be part of a hallucination. I don’t do drugs, so a reality-bending sex toy is about as trippy as it gets for me.
Long, not-so-trippy story short, I wasn’t that stoked on the Pleasurepillar. It has multiple levels of vibration and pulsation, but the vibration is pretty weak. It’s smaller than my average vibrator for penetration but definitely not powerful enough for my clit, and my clit isn’t picky.
Given my experience with the Pleasurepillar, I anticipated my romp with the Heavenly Heart with both longing and dread. I knew I might love it and didn’t think I’d hate it. What I expected was to feel totally tepid which is merely frustrating from a toy user’s perspective, but it’s a toy reviewer’s biggest fear. I was afraid the Heavenly Heart would be voted least likely to turn into an interesting review.
Luckily, the Heavenly Heart was more like a high school romantic comedy waiting to happen. Remember that time August Ames pulled off her glasses and crawled across Jason Brown’s desk? The Heavenly Heart got all “10 Things I Hate About You” on me. It couldn’t have surprised me more if it’d told me it got off on a flute one time at band camp.
I was just lying there thinking, “this isn’t a bad first level buzz,” when I slipped free of the finger ring and held the toy at its base. Its heart-shaped tip curves slightly downward so at the right angle it scoops perfectly around your clitoris.
Pre-gaming with the toy, I’d admired how it filled the length of my finger, but once the game was on I actually wanted nothing to do with the finger ring. It was too loose and it hindered my access to all of the Heavenly Heart’s ridges and bumps. In addition to the heart at the top of the sleeve, there are two cute heart shaped bumps on the shaft.
“Wait, what?” you’re like. You’re like, “How can a clitoral simulator, a finger vibe at that, have a shaft?”
And I’m like, “right?!” because you wouldn’t think it would. You don’t even notice it while pre-gaming, but it absolutely does, and you realizing that it is synonymous with it letting down its hair.
Not sure how to handle a former nerd who hangs out with a lame crowd? The answer is lube. Lots of lube. I think I lubed the Heavenly Heart up three times. Some clitoral stimulators find their spot and stay put. The Heavenly Heart is good with that, but what it really wants is to slide around.
I never went to band camp, but I could easily compare this toy to the bow of a violin. After noticing the two smaller hearts dotting its shaft, I’d briefly considered penetration, but the finger ring would have interfered. The best way to take advantage of the bonus hearts is to slide the length of the toy back and forth inside of your labia. You get lots of nods to your spots and the crescendo is slow and strong.
All of this was more than enough incentive for me to invite the Pleasurepillar back to bed. This time I bypassed clitoral play and took it straight to my g-spot, which has probably always been its intended destination. Long, still not trippy story short, I liked it better this time. Its vibrations are still nothing to write home about and it doesn’t have much to brag on in the size department, but its a nice shape and it does hit that spot.
So yeah, I’ll return to Wonderland. Maybe next time I’ll bring along a White Wabbit (Mini Plug) or Kinky Kat (Cock Ring.) If I venture far enough down the rabbit hole, maybe I’ll even run into this guy…
Get yours here!