Fuchsia or turquoise
Pulsating and thrusting motions, stimulating ridges, rechargeable
Unboxing the Stronic Drei at my door was like discovering the hottest guy in school leaning against my car after the big game, all coy with his bright letterman’s jacket and shiny hair. Which is to say I am far enough removed from high school that I actually imagine I attended in the 1950s, and that by reputation, the Stronic Drei is equal parts awesome, intimidating, and annoying.
Oh, yes, I’d heard of him. When we got a fresh shipment of Fun Factory toys a year or so ago, he was all anyone talked about. And touched on. And placed between their boobs for the purpose of video. This was pre-Bouncer, mind you, but the poor cutie-patootie Bootie really felt the sting!
In high school, the guy who got all the attention was the last guy I wanted to be with. Now that I’m older, more mature, and have most of my relationships with sex toys, the opposite is true. I love nothing more than a toy that demands center stage, because in a sea of fantastic sex toys, it almost always means it’s doing something different and usually means it’s doing it well.
My struggle is this: What sets the Stronic Drei apart is his strength, power, and masculinity. The damn toy is macho, is what he is. He’s the star quarterback whose fate it annoyingly is not to end up thrice divorced, sucking down Coors Lights at 10am reminiscing about two decades prior. He’s definitely going to play pro ball (his lingo, not mine) and he’s going to bang at least four models. But he’ll also donate a sizable chunk of his income to cancer research, and eventually settle down with nice wife and precious, well-behaved kids.
You see why I’m torn. You may not, however, see how all this relates to a sex toy. Let me break it down.
The Stronic Drei is the third (I know this because I took high school German) in Fun Factory’s series of pulsators. They’re billed as StrongTOYS, an odd two-word mash-up that is in no way a brand name, regardless of what Fun Factory wants us to think. Instead of vibrating, they pulsate. Its sort of like thrusting, but unlike most thrusting toys, they shudder with an at once intimidating and arousing urgency. It is not possible for your hand to remain still while holding a powered-on Stronic toy.
They’re best described as high-end, silicone, rechargeable, sensual jack hammers. If the Stronic Drei hit on you in a bar, he’d be all “Is your dad a thief? Because you just stole the stars and put them in my eyes.” And you’d start to say, “You fucked up your line, bro,” but then realize you’d already removed your panties.
The Stronic Eins is smooth, Zwei is curvy, and Drei features super-fun ridges. All three have ten stimulation levels. I describe them thusly:
- Doing it
- And doing it
- And doing it well
- Doing it with inhuman speed
- Seizure, cool down, and repeat
- Shake it like a salt shaker
- Wild dog on a leash
- Sex on the beach. On cocaine.
- Stair climber celebration
- Rattle snake bite causes a hallucination fueled dance party
I wanted to love the Stronic Drei, but I also wanted him to know who was boss. Even as I invited him to bed, I felt like we were in competition, like he thought he could do me better than me. I simultaneously hoped he could and hoped to prove he couldn’t.
What struck me first is that while my wrist is no match for this toy, my vagina is another story. His deep and intense pulsations were a lot easier to contain once buried inside me. To be clear they did not slow down, nor did I in any way dominate this toy. They just made more sense.
What happened next was the revelation that we’d both be happiest if I just laid back and enjoyed him. Moving him in and out as one would a regular dildo felt like losing my virginity–two entities humping with such earnest discord that the result isn’t pleasing to anyone. When all is said and done, I’d much rather experience a solid orgasm than win a thrusting competition.
I cycled though all ten modes a couple of times. The irregular patterns felt refreshingly human, but, like with a human partner, as I neared climax I craved regularity. Luckily, it was just a couple of button pushes away, and despite my prejudices and pride, Drei and I both came away happy. Or at least I did. I assume he did. I don’t really care if he did.
Its true, the Drei did me, and not the other way around. I admit it and I’m unashamed because another thing my age, experience, and devotion to sex toys has taught me is that sometimes you have to relinquish the reigns, or leash if you will, to find the most fulfillment. Besides, he put in all the work and all I had to to do was lie there.
When I see Drei around campus no doubt we’ll keep to opposite ends of the cafeteria. My badass bathroom smoker friends would never approve and his cool guy teammates just wouldn’t understand. But once class is dismissed, we’ll be study buddies under the sheets.
That was incredibly cheesy.
But go ahead, get yours here!